As I continue to wait for my binder, I think about some of the things I want to do if I decide to get top surgery – though I’m now definitely sure that I want to give off the appearance of a flat chest (because anyone knows me knows that I never stop venting about my chest dysphoria). While I believe that you don’t need dysphoria to identify as trans, I will admit the possibility of getting top surgery will hopefully rid of any chest discomfort that I already have. Though it will not eliviate all of my dysphoria, I do feel as though it will help with my overall gender expression goal (which is to look more masculine) – despite the fact that I have no current desire to start testosterone.
But I wanted to make a bucket list of all the possible things I want to do if I decide that top surgery is right for me. I also wanted to make this list because if any of you are considering top surgery, or have already had it, you may find this useful in some way.
So here are some of the things I want to do if I decide that I want top surgery:
- Not having to wear my binder: I am aware that I won’t be able to wear my binder 24 / 7 which means I will have days where not wearing it will make me feel weird as well as wrong. But if and when I get top surgery, I will no longer have to worry about remembering to put my binder on.
- Donate my binder: Due to the fact that I will no longer be wearing a binder, I could donate it to someone who needs it, which will make both them and myself feel good.
- Get my binder signed: If I decide not to donate my binder, I would like to get it signed and possibly framed in a future apartment.
- Feel more confident: This will also improve my self- confidence, as I will not feel when envious surrounded with other flat chested folks. I will no longer hate my chest, as top surgery may make me feel a lot happier with my body – though, overall, I do love being a transmasculine nonbinary person.
- Feel clothes against my skin: Not wearing sports / my binder will mean that I will able to feel clothes against my flat chest, which is an experience I hope I will enjoy.
- Be shirtless on the beach: Wearing swimming costumes makes me dysphoric, so if I can find some swimming shorts that are for AFAB individuals, then I will be able to wear swimming shorts and show off my chest. Even if I don’t swim, being shirtless on the beach will be a euphoric experience.
- Be shirtless more often: Even if I’m not on the beach, I may have the confidence to be shirtless in other places, or simply just have more buttons exposed – this will be because, like I mentioned earlier, I may be feeling a lot more confident. I may even have the confidence to be shirtless at a future Pride event.
- Sleep with no shirt on: Due to this new found confidence, I may feel confident to sleep without a shirt on, as I will hopefully be more confident and comfortable with my chest overall.
- Showering: Due to my chest dysphoria, I hate looking down at my chest – but with top surgery I will be able to look at my chest and feel a sense of pride, comfort and freedom – as well as a sense happiness.
- Get a tattoo across my chest: I’ve always wanted to get a tattoo, but getting a tattoo where my surgery scars will be might add some much needed validation to my chest – maybe I could get one that says ‘freedom‘ across my chest? Who knows.
- Wear more masculine coded clothing: I would say that my style is already pretty masculine coded, but if I were to get top surgery, I feel as though it would be easier to wear more masculine coded clothing due to my flat chest. This, I feel, would be a euphoric experience.
Furthermore, and like I mentioned before, I’m still waiting for my binder to arrive, but I will try to remain optimistic and hopeful that one day it will come. But for now, my chest dysphoria may get pretty bad, but I have hope that one day that my binder will arrive – and I know this will eliviate some of my gender dysphoria.